Ranting about more shit (sleeping and daydreaming)
(This is so long and has a bunch of mistakes sorry. Skip here for comments about the future of the site.)
(You can't access this article from the site itself, that's on purpose. I'll fix it later)
I have a backlog of about 30 lectures I need to go through because I don’t go in to campus. It was like this last year and the semester before. Actually it was even worst before. i got my exam results back and it wasn’t great, but I don’t really care right now. I’m not going to cry about it (because I don’t cry) and because I know the reason why they’re shit, and all I need to do is get off my ass and actually do work, actually keep up with everything.
It’s pretty damn hard for some reason. I keep getting distracted. It takes me a whole day to go through 30 minutes of an hour long lecture, and by the time I finish a lecture 5 more appear because I’m staying at home instead of going to campus. I know how to fix this. I can go to current lectures even when I’m not caught up, I can pick up the context pretty easily. But when I can’t wake up until after 5pm it’s impossible to catch a lecture.
I don’t put on an alarm and for some reason, even with my blackout curtains, I wake up about 4 hours later feeling like absolute shit. I’m so tired, I have to go back to sleep again. And then I wake up about 6 hours after that, and then I sleep again. I spend more hours asleep than awake (hence the name of my site.) It’s nice. I like sleeping. Recently I haven’t been having very good dreams but I still would rather be in bed than anything else. Sometimes I don’t go back to sleep, but I stay in bed and just imagine stuff for a few more hours. Time always seems to go way too quickly for me. What feels like 10 minutes in actually an hour, and then two.
No matter what I do I can not wake up feeling good. I’m always tired. No matter what time I sleep, no matter how many hours. Trying to get up is physically impossible, the bed is too warm. Actually, sometimes it is genuinely physically impossible. Like actually impossible. Sometimes I get in this state of half asleep, half not. I try to get up but my eyes are closing, and my vision is blurred, and my limbs are weak and it’s like I’m trapped. It’s actually fucking scary.
At that point I usually resign and go to sleep, because I used to have these recurring dreams where I’d wake up in bed feeling like that, and then when I tried to get up I ‘d teleport back into bed, and it’d repeat like that for ages. It was so frustrating, those dreams made me feel like I was going fucking crazy. It felt like I was being suffocated, trapped in my room, and my heart would race, I’d try to scream for help and no one would come. The room would shift as I got up and tried to walk, and after a few seconds I’d be back in bed. I once got myself almost to the door of my room, which was a real accomplishment. I was so happy, only to take another step and end up in bed again. Anyway, when I try to get up in that half asleep state, it feels like that dream again and I get anxious so I can’t will myself to fight the tiredness.
Fortunately I haven’t had that dream since September, but I’m still scared of them. Although, I think I had a shorter version of that dream around January or February, and I was more annoyed than scared so maybe I’m getting used to it. I had it in my parent’s house though so it’s kind of different. It doesn’t feel as lonely or isolating there.
When I end up sleeping for way too long that I should I usually end up getting a headache, which doesn’t go away until the next day. And I can’t do any fucking work because my head hurts.
It’s hard to do lectures because I get distracted pretty easily. I was never good at doing work but I feel like it just gets worse and worse every year. I’m not sure what it is. I want to blame social media but I don’t even use it that often. I think I just end up daydreaming too much. I like daydreaming about story ideas, which leads me to do research a lot of the time, ‘research’ being scrambling to internet for anything that happens to resemble the stuff I’m daydreaming about. It can get sort of annoying, sometimes I end of searching for hours because I can’t find the specific thing I want. The right song to daydream to or the right scenario I need. Usually the search ends up fruitless and I have to force myself to just go to sleep. It’d be easier if I was more skilled at writing or drawing so that I could make it myself. In the first place I don’t have time to draw or write anyway,
It’s funny how I have time to daydream for hours, but not enough to do hobbies like draw or write.
Sometimes I really want to draw, but the guilt of having work to do debilitates me, so I just stay in a state of doing nothing. Not drawing, not working.
I feel guilty if I draw, write, even play videogames when I have work I need to do, so I don’t do it often anymore. Daydreaming doesn’t make me feel guilty.
It’s like having a warm blanket around me. It makes me feel good.
Sometimes the daydreams themselves are like little arthouse movies, all visuals no plot. Just a few themes for me to get carried away in. They’re nice. My reality isn’t really all that bad but I end up liking my daydreams a lot more anyway.
I guess being able to create your own world is kind of addicting. You can change anything you want, you can make anything you want. I got too spoiled from my own world that it’s hard for me to consume other media now.
I want to try and share these daydreams, these stories, but it’s a challenge. Theres a bit of a disconnect between what’s in my mind and what I can create in real life, it’s just not the same. I end up feeling like no one really cares all that much anyway. It’s hard to stomach being the only one who cares about these characters, these worlds, so I usually just end up retreating into my daydreams again to cheer me up. It just feels a bit useless, like I’ll never be able to create something worthwhile, something that both I and others would enjoy.
It’s like how sometimes I want to inject a song I like into my art, but it frustrates me because I don’t have to skills to do it right. I can’t do it. That’s part of why I made this site actually, to be able to show off songs I like a bit easier, but I haven’t done much of that yet.
Right anyway, few notes about the site to end things off.
Firstly, I would put this on my site profile except for some reason I can’t comment on my own site profile. So that’s fun. I might just disable it in the future, or put stuff on the log part of the landing page.
Second, I’ve got a bunch of diary log entries, and an update to the blog page, backlogged. I’m just waiting on a good time to add them all. I’m working on an ‘about me’ page as well, so I’ll probably do a big update when that’s done.
In regards to diary entries, they feel a bit too personal. I kind of don’t want to add them, I kind of want to delete all of them actually (lol). I’m not sure what to do with them yet but I’ll see.
Third, I might delete my own art on this site temporarily so I can optimise it, and then add it back. Downloading the site fails sometimes, and I think it’s because the file size is too big. I might just make a pixiv account and put art dumps there to free up space, and also because I cba to try and optimise that many images gahhh.
Fourth, I might ‘rebrand’ or so they say, change my site name, and the names of my other links. Especially my name on this site, because of personal reasons (read: I’m paranoid) I want to change it (although it’s my favourite name of mine.) I’ll phase it out probably, add other names I go by and then remove that name someday. Maybe I just won’t mention my name at all. That’s probably better hahaa.
I don’t mind the name of my site, but it’s not my favourite, and I’m thinking that the name I’ll use when making manga/my circle name will be different, so I might want to make it consistent. How do you come up with a good name for a circle anyway? I’m thinking of using ‘Codependent Rabbit’, but I stole that from a doujin album.
Other names I can think of are: ALICE SYNDROME, Melancholic Rabbit, (maybe ‘Independent Rabbit’ lol), SIN(DROME), MelaTonic, InsomNIACs, something that’s easy to stylise and looks cool. I might make multiple ‘circles’ depending on what the manga is about (separate the BL from GL, have one for derivative works, etc etc) and use multiple names. In that case, keeping my original site name might be better.
Finally, I’m also thinking about adding an RSS feed for the site, but it’ll probably be split into multiple. They’ll be one for site development/site logs (on the landing page), one for new art, one for blogs that will probably exclude the diary entries. If I want to add manga on the site I’ll probably have to create a manga update RSS feed. It seems like a lot for one site lol, so if you’re reading this and have any opinions feel free to tell me!
Sorry this is so long. I haven’t had much time to do much for my site, so the next update will probably be pretty massive.
Written - 03.03.24
Currently listening: Passage - Toshifumi Hinata, Mexican Dream - Piero Piccioni
Posted - 04.03.24